I'm searching for something...

I'm searching for something... // -->

Wednesday, September 29

oh o.

5 days.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:14 AM

Tuesday, September 28

Erm actually intend to post as a comment in blog but then on 2nd thought might as well post it for everyone facing exams.

yeah. to all, don't give yourself a single chance to regret when you see your results(like me). Put aside all your lililehleh for the time being and chiong like never before. However, do take care of your health in the meantime and take short breaks in between your studies. Pace yourself and not follow the pace of others for you know yourself best. At the thought of giving up, perhaps you can try thinking of the positive things that lies ahead of you. Do not try to scare yourself with "what if.." and all the unnecessary thoughts. 1 month may seems short and each day is passing by so fast that it will creep you somehow. But.. in 1 month, you can change your destiny and it's up to you to make the effort or not only. 4 years of education, 2 years for this big thing. Don't let all your pass efforts go down to waste. So built on all of them, regardless of how well your did for prelims or whatever. That's all already a fact. So.. focus on the end. Focus on your exams.

Heis: Hmm when i was typing, i got alot of things to say to you though. I remember last year was trying my best to make sure you study for your eoy exams. Whether or not it did help, hmm.. guess it's not important to me.. I always say you've the brains and i do not have. So for god sake, please make use of your brain to study hard for this exam okay? Don't come asking me which ITE is good or what. You definitely have the talent to go other JCs. Ok?

Leen: Well.. come to talking about such things, i always just want to tell you about that budaowong thing. I think among all the things i've given you before, i guess this is the most useful(at least to me) for i really hope that, whatever that happen, you will never never never give up. cos it's like you never know how much a rubber band can stretch till, you never know how far you can go de. Don't keep thinking you can't and start thinking you CAN!

Xiaodi: Sorry yest nite i was so tired that when you messaged me i was sleeping. For that thing, for the time being just don't let it bother you though. As for your studies, i'm proud that my xiaodi had scored 5 As which really was a very good effort put in. Although the rest of the subjects was not well done, you still have time to improve on them. Hmm yeah you always say i busy and i admit i really am. But.. anything anytime you got things want to say out, can msg me de ok( though i might take a longer time to reply..=P)? dun gif up too! Prove to your dad that you can do it and not play ball play ball onli! =)

Qiling: Yeah. All i said was up there le. Have to work hard and don't skive hor(i know you wun de la)! i always know you as a gerl who puts in effort. For you, push aside everything and just concentrate on your studies! You say yi qi jia you, i also will. After exams, let's go pool all the way k? Haha. Do your best and best.. AND BEST.

xuedi: Ermm you like mia for a long time liao. Hmmm don't know how you fare in the prelims and etc.. well... (thinking what to say to you) Do work hard boy. Don't slack hor! If prelims din work hard enough, o's you have to! Heh.. don't know what to say la hor. I add in some more things will mean i'm not sincere la. Just hope you'll do well ok? =)

yun:bleah. don't know whether you'll read my blog or not de. i know there're things ongoing in your family and more than once you're upset and deeply affected by it. Well, all i can say is that, you've got to be strong and trust and believe that things will change for the better someday. Study hard too and show yourself, prove to youself you will score well. =)

Mei: Hmmm i guess. There's quite alot of things i want to say and perhaps have said to you before. Hmm seen you study tests after tests, exams after exams ever since sec2. Seen you change from a person who kept thinking you can't and emerge to someone who says "i can one la!" Don't think that you will not do well for o's though for what the future is, no one knows. *dunno wad to say* Remember the la bi xiao xing ok? Each time you think feel not confident, look at it and remember that your jie trust that you can. -hugs-

Hmmm is there anyone i left out? Anyway i no time to write le though. [suppose to have geog lecture now. =X] But really no matter i've your name mentioned up here or not, give it your one last best shot for this final lap. Teachers are there, friends are there... everyone is supporting all of you. including me. =)

jiayou ba. got to go discussion room study le. =)

Heli Dont ask me why 8:01 AM

Monday, September 27

think somehow it's very hard to find someone to express to at this hour.
actually i've nothing much to say.
just want to have someone by my side to just be with me.
witnessing every breath that i take
i very much want to be revealed through the eyes of mine.
and not about what i say or what i do.
but if you're able,
look at my eyes
and tell me who am i.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:50 AM

Sunday, September 26

don't understand why.

other than playing games and STILL playing games... what else can he do?

damn it.

you suck.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:06 PM

No time to think, play and sleep.

don't know why i just feel very very sleepy everyday. Slept early yesterday night and plan to wake early today but... despite 1 alarm clock, 3 alarm call (one from alarm the other two from calender) i still slept like a... yeah you're right.. slept like a pig.

I don't take ecstasy... but why am i so tired?

*slap myself*

Right.

Pig.

Heli Dont ask me why 9:08 AM

Saturday, September 25

I've not much interest in coming online.

I've no drive in studying somehow.

I'm only interested in sleeping.

Sighs... i just don't feel like doing anything.

But i do know that anything brings me nowhere... or perhaps somewhere in which i dread most.

Bu ke yi.. yao du shu le.

##@$^!@%$&(*I&*)&*#&%!@$

work hard heli.

Heli Dont ask me why 7:31 AM

Thursday, September 23

I saw images of her.

and i only know questions such as "How?"

and starting to admit i can't concentrate.

"how..."

Heli Dont ask me why 10:49 AM

Wednesday, September 22

Heli Dont ask me why 2:11 AM

Monday, September 20

4 plus in the morning.

Stoning.

Heli Dont ask me why 4:22 AM

Friday, September 17

Fifteen.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:40 AM

Thursday, September 16

I'm inspired.

I've been waiting and wanting this feeling to come these few days.

YESH.

I'm gearing up!

Though the time for me to study is lesser each moment each second, i'm inspired and encouraged to work all i got. No more thoughts about retaining and whatever. Even if there is, it's going to stuck in my head to remind me that it's not going to be me. And if it's to stay, it would not stay for long. I wanna work super hard. Super hard.

In life, we human fear is having nobody to lean back on. I've so many pillars behind me, so much support from my people around me.. what more can i fear... what more WILL i fear?

Thanks peeps. I gonna work real hard for it.

"I'm flying!"

Heli Dont ask me why 8:05 PM

Wednesday, September 15

He said...

He said that our class size would not remain as 27 students as it is now, next year. After he said that line, i was just suddenly cut off from what he said after that. My mind was whirling and whirling. I'm wondering, seriously wondering what may happen. But the future is not for us to worry though. I shouldn't worry that much. Neither should anyone of you.

"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail."

I'm so paranoid by this sentence. Xin sms me this the other day and believe me, i couldn't sleep after that even though i was so tired. I think this is worse then preparing for my o's. It's so terrifying. Bleah. I've no one to blame but myself. Suck it. =X

Now my mind is all about weathering. Bah.
Close to 3 in the morning. 4 more hours i'll be in school.

18 days more... and still counting...

Heli Dont ask me why 2:37 AM

Monday, September 13

Smashed

Have you ever feel like smashing something and see how it smashes on to the floor and let the sound pierce right through your ears? Well, i have. I felt smashed and i feel like smashing something. And i just feel like doing that. I want to see how it would shatter into bits and pieces. I want to see what's left behind.

Somehow, there's the beauty of the shattered pieces. Like the one above. It does give me an uncomfortable feeling at first sight, but it didn't last for long. Initially it was frightening too. But...

I felt at ease a while later.

Perhaps, it's no longer None of my business...

but...

don't ask me why.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:35 AM

Sunday, September 12

This is the first year, the first time you celebrate elsewhere.. outside your home.
I've a lot to tell you, and i did promised you that i will write such "nice nice verse" to you when your birthday come. And yes i would try my very best to write a good one. Hmm maybe it's because i've a lot to say, that i probably won't be able to express them the way i want to, and ermm.. sorry if it's not very well written. =P

When i think of you, you remind me of a person whom is always willling to stand up for anyone, someone whom really jiang yi qi, someone whom never fail to lend listening ears to anyone and someone whom never give up easily. I will think of you as a friend that will come running with a big leaf to shield your friends from the rain and the sun. And then when night falls, you'll be the one who wait till you friend fall asleep first before you will sleep in peace.

My friend, thanks for tolerating my nonsense for the past 2 years. You've been there with me through my ups and downs. Thanks for the "knocking" sense in me at times and reminding me that i've friends around me constantly. Thanks for always coming to my blog and leaving behind little comments, little but yet does more than little effects. Even though my entries may sound stupid and boring, you never fail to leave a comment there to make me feel that at least there's someone who cares. Thanks for having trust in me by sharing your problems as well as the happy things that happened in your life. Thank you so much gerl.

I've a song for you, especially for you ba. By Clay Aiken - I Will Carry You.

Yeah I know it hurts
Yeah I know you're scared
Walking down the road that leads to who knows where
Don't you hang your head
Don't you give up yet
When courage starts to disappear
I will be right here.

Chorus:
When your world breaks down
And the voices tell you turn around
When your dreams give up
I will carry you
Carry you
when the stars go blind
and the darkness starts to flood your eyes
when you're falling behind
I will carry you

Everybody cries
Everybody bleeds
No one ever said that life's an easy thing
That's the beauty of it
when you loose your way, close your eyes and go to sleep
and wake up to another day

Chorus

You should know now that your not alone
take my heart and we will find
you will findyour way home
When your dreams give up
I will carry you carry you
when the stars go blind
and the darkness starts to flood your eyes
when you're falling behind
I will carry you
carry you
I will carry you
carry you
I will carry you
carry you
I will carry you

Even though we ended out pact somehow, we'll be friends for life. My friend shared with me the other day that, "Once a while, people around us need a hug." Though we are miles and miles apart, i would want to give you the warmest hug ever.. and.. if possible, i would want to appear right in front of you now, with a cake with candles in my hand, i wanna say "Happy Birthday my friend." =)

Heli Dont ask me why 8:32 PM

Twenty Days.

Can't believe the hols is nearly over. I haven't done anything concrete.

Sat - Flag day whole day at orchard
Sun - Slack around (thinking still got so many days)
Mon - Lessons and caught up with my sleep.. did some work though..
Tue - Lessons and try to study but i didn't manage to?
Wed - Went out to study in the morning.. and play and play and play..
Thur - can't remember what happen.. i think i sleep lots..
Fri - can't remember *want to burst out in tears le..*
Sat - Lessons.. then went out have lunch.. go addidas factory outlet.. and bbq..
Sun - NO MORE WASTING OF TIME! AND WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE??

....

Heli Dont ask me why 8:54 AM

Friday, September 10

Break away

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of a could-be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)
Trying not to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

[Chorus]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around wild indoors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

[Chorus]

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Heli Dont ask me why 1:20 AM

Thursday, September 9

Tired. My mind is tired.

How do you win in a blackjack? Luck? What about your stakes... high?

Each time i hope for good cards. I play my stakes high. For i really want to win it fast. But... it's often lose or no one win the game. When all that i have was that little, i play small. Small. And then, i started to win back though. As i slowly got back what i earn, somehow... when i placed a lot of money in one of the rounds, i just have to lose it all. And when i lose it all... i just feel like leaving the game.

Bah. don't care you understand or not. don't care anyone understand or not.

No i don't want to be a thinker. I want to just stay stupid.. and let people take care of me. =/

Heli Dont ask me why 1:03 AM

Wednesday, September 8

the sounds of silence

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more.

People talking without speaking,

People hearing without listening,

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one dare

Disturb the sound of silence.

i don't like to talk much lately. either verbally or online. suddenly i love the sounds of silence. the stillness of everything.

have you really enjoy staring into space before? I do that nowadays. Just siting at one corner, under my table and just stared at the light that comes into my room. just watch the things move around me as i stay still, stay silent.

Hmm didn't know that just looking at fishes i would be at peace. Good. Another source of peace.

Words aren't coming out the way i want to here and just now too. I kept thinking i wasn't talking sense. I'm not saying what i want to say to you. In fact i actually don't know what to say... you reminded me of who i once was.. and reminded me if i'm still the same. perhaps that's why i wasn't able to relate things well to you. perhaps that's why... i don't know what to say.

And to you, why are you able to detect my sadness but not knowing that i will be hurt and angry if you said those words to me? You've said that the third time.. which means you've hurt me three times.

"I need you to stay..."

Heli Dont ask me why 1:23 AM

Tuesday, September 7

Open Arms - Journey

Lying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine
Softly you whisper, you're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart

And here you are by my side
So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
Open arms

Living without you, living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you, wanting you near
How much I wanted you home

But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay.
(chorus)

Wahh very nice song. Lols. So now i come to you... with open arms... lalala...

Heli Dont ask me why 1:10 AM

Sunday, September 5

bah. no time to blog again. no timeee!!

econs tmr. math tmr. i dun wanna fail!! =X

Heli Dont ask me why 10:40 PM

Pls Dont.

That night, Sue had a huge quarrel with her mum and without bringing anything with her, she ran out of the house. While she was walking on the street, she realised she did not have any money on her, not even a cent to make a phone call. As she was walking along the street, she spotted a noodle stall. Having had no dinner yet, how she longed for a bowl.

But, she had no money.

After awhile, the boss seeing Sue hesitating in front of his stall, asked: 'Hey Miss, do you want a bowl of noodles?'

'But...but...I didn't bring any money with me...' she answered shyly.

'It's alright, I'll give you a treat.' The boss said, 'Come have a seat, I'll cook you a bowl of noodles.'

Not long after, the owner served Sue with a bowl of noodles and a plate of vegetables. Sue ate a few mouthfuls and she started to tear.

'What happened, Miss?' the owner asked.

'Nothing, I'm just touched!' Sue said while drying her tears.

'Even a stranger I met on the street would offer to cook a bowl of noodle and treat me! But... my own mother, after a quarrel she chased me out of the house and told me not to go back anymore. You as a complete stranger could show me care and concern while my own mother...she's so cruel.' She said to the owner.

The boss after hearing what Sue had said, replied with a sigh: 'Miss, how can you think that way? Ponder over this, I just cooked a bowl of noodles for you and you are so touched. BUT Your mother have been cooking noodles and rice for you since you are young till now, why aren't
you grateful to her? And you even quarrel with her?'

Sue was stunned upon hearing that. 'Why didn't I think of that? A bowl of noodles from a stranger and I'm so grateful but yet my own mother had been cooking for me for so many years and I'm not even showing the least concern about her. And because of a trivial matter, I quarrelled with her.' She finished her noodle swiftly and braced herself up towards the direction of home.

As she was walking home, she thought to herself what she wanted to tell her mum right now... 'Mum, I'm sorry, I know I'm at fault, please forgive me.'

Once she reached the doorstep, she saw her tired and anxious mother, searching everywhere for her. When she spotted Sue, the first sentence that came out of her mouth is: 'Sue, come into the house quickly, I've the dinner ready and it'll be cold if you are not eating it now.'

At that moment, Sue was unable to hold her tears anymore and she started weeping in front of her mum.

Many times, we are exceptionally grateful to other people around us for the little random gestures they show us, but to our close ones, especially our parents, it's a lifetime of gratitude that we have to remember?

But very often we treat that as such a natural process for them to sacrifice for us and take them for granted. Not only towards our parents, but our siblings and close buddies... We demand, expect and forget.

However, a parent's love and care is the most valuable gift given to us since our birth. They don't expect much from us for raising us but think about it... Do we treasure this unconditional
sacrifice from our parents?

We often don't know what we are missing until we lose them... Pls don't.

Heli Dont ask me why 6:57 PM

Tao yan ni ma...

dead beat. 9am to 9pm of flag day at orchard road. i want say lots of things bout it but... i'm too tired.

tmr... going to see her again. don't know what ritual la.. but yeah i'm going to see her. gonna wake up early in the morning. saw many blogs... makes me wanna comment.. but i'm.. just very tired.

i dun want to talk. up to you to decide whether you want me to go with you. up to you to think if i'm significant or not. if i've a choice, i dont want to care at all.

you turn my life up... and down as well.

hai.. i dun want to hate you. but i'm afraid...eventually i will. =/

bu guan le. wan an.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:47 AM

Friday, September 3

In the past, with just a pen and a paper, i can scribble out most of my thoughts and normally after i do that, i felt a little better. But when i did that just now, i only felt emptied. It's good in the sense that i don't really think of it now... but i know sooner or later, my thoughts will start to be on its road again. Somehow it does make a difference when you decide to let the person read what you've written and just shoving it into another corners of your room. The feeling would be somehow different and i cannot explain why.

It's amazing yet at the same time scary to actually have someone around you who can light up all your candles without much effort and too easily blow away every single one of them. I think i'm just left with one. One more to fend for itself in the dark. Give me one breath and i will sink into darkness. If only you know how fragile you can cause me.. i guess you wouldn't have want things to turn out this way too..

when you let go of my hand
i fell to the ground
and you walk away from me
that i'm left to stand up myself
i want to dash away
to a place where no one can see
the feelings that's in my eyes
where i only want to reveal to you
but..
you're so far away...

"The flower somehow just slipped away from her hand and it dropped to the ground. She stared at the fallen flower and realised that something is dripping blood on the flower. She took awhile to realise that the thorn had cut her palm. She breathed out deeply only to realise that everything seems to come to a still and all that she can hear is her breathing. She looked up and realised she's all alone..."

another day wasted. all bcos of you..

Heli Dont ask me why 2:23 AM

Thursday, September 2

Extreme sides of me

BOooo. Couple of minutes ago actually felt a lot to write but harhh.. now no more. My feelings come and go.

-stagnant-

Think each day is getting crappier and more worrying. I've about a month to prepare for promos. It's an odd.. and singular. I'm left with one month.

It's no longer just empty saying of what will happen in few months time, whether i go up or go down. Sometimes dwelling on such thoughts for long time really scare the hell out of me. I don't want things to go haywire.. i don't want it to disturb my life like this. Yet... i feel i'm not motivated to do anything about it. I'm just scared and staring blankly.

I'm kind of frustrated with myself for not studying and not working hard enough. And all i do was to get scare and let each day just slip pass me. Duh. Time is slipping away, every hour, every minute, every second. I don't want to make decisions in few months time. All i want, badly, is just to get promoted.

Knock some sense in me.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:05 AM

Wednesday, September 1

Sleepy. I wonder why i gets so tired nowadays that i don't realy come online that often anymore. ERm but that doesn't mean i'm studying. =X I'm a pig. Bo bian.

Well, teachers' day yesterday. I don't know, but i felt kind of weird yesterday. In ny, was busy finishing up the gifts while watching the concert. Well.. the concert is really not bad but i think halfway through the concert, think the hall was kind of shrunk into slightly more than half? Guess they also know that many gonna skip school or halfway through escape to their secondary school.. Then you guys should have seen how stunned ms tang was when she saw her own photo on the card! And she kept asking how we got it.. =P Oh.. and i guess nandwani loves the album eh! =D

That's all for ny.

What i felt weird was, i don't really sense the "teachers' day" atmosphere. Past year through, i think i was just busy with the celebrations thingy and then always have the image in me that, being a senior coming back somehow seems more ermm.. (don't know what word to use) big shot? (can't help run out of vocabs) The sad thing about it all was that, i actually din manage to talk to many teachers. I don't know, maybe they see me coming to school quite often therefore, it was just any other days.. I think talking to ms melissa ong was the most meaningful of all yesterday. I had a lot to say to the rest.. but think everyone's busy with their own ex students, hmm feel kind of weird if i just go interrupt, so yeah.. Somehow, i've some "poking" thoughts about the school and teachers, but it doesn't matter. I'm not in the school anymore.

*blank*

Hmmm... i'm suppose to do something today.

Heli Dont ask me why 8:01 AM

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